I have a confession to make

This has been a hard month for me, hence why I haven't posted since the beginning of March. Trying to eat a low carb vegetarian diet and assure you are getting enough nutrients to live a healthy, active lifestyle is tough. I have doubted lately whether or not I am eating a diet that allows me to be the healthiest I can be. Am I getting enough Omega 3s? Am I too dependent on almonds, soy, dairy, and eggs for my protein? Would a more paleo lifestyle help me fulfill my fitness goals? 

So, I have been wrestling with the idea of introducing fish into my diet. Now this has been a huge emotional roller coaster ride for me. I suppose I should back up a bit and explain that I became a vegetarian my sophomore year in college - that's 14+ years ago for anyone who's counting. That is a very long time to be a vegetarian. My decision to become a vegetarian wasn't based on scientific research about the benefits of a vegetable based diet, nor was it initially due to ethics, but rather my neighbors my freshman year in college were all vegetarians and I found myself eating a mostly vegetarian diet and liking it. So, my sophomore year I completely stopped eating meat and became an ovo-lacto vegetarian (meaning I still ate eggs and diary). 

Over the years my vegetarianism has come to be a part of my identity. Everyone knows me as a vegetarian and a strict vegetarian at that. It has been the one dietary thing in my life I have stuck with the longest and now I have doubts about whether or not it is the right lifestyle choice for me. 

These doubts have contributed to tons of fears, fear that I'll lose part of my identity, fears that if I start eating meat I'll somehow spin out of control and start eating sugar and carbs again. 

I am fortunate enough to live somewhere that I have easy access to good meats and seafood (grass-fed, pastured, wild-caught, etc.), which makes me feel better about eating meats. I am firmly opposed to the industrialization of food, and just can not stomach the idea of factory farming. 

At any rate, after a lot of deliberation and tears I decided to give salmon a try. My fiance bought some wild caught Koho salmon and cooked it up with dill and lemon with a little asparagus on the side. I should add that he's a meat eater, who respects my vegetarian lifestyle, but loves seafood and would do the happy dance if I decided to make this a permanent part of my life. 

I tried my hardest not to freak out when he presented me with my plate, but he'd bought salmon steaks instead of fillets, which meant bones. Ugg bones - I haven't eaten anything with bones in ages. Of course I was terrified that I'd swallowed one, which in hindsight was actually pretty funny - picture me, a flashlight, a mirror, and my tongue hanging out as far as it would go. 

The experience left me with very mixed emotions and a rather upset stomach, but I have to admit that I'd had my bridal shower earlier in the day and low carb was not on the menu. I had eaten gluten and drank wine and champagne, which my body is decidedly not used to anymore, so perhaps my physical reaction was due to that. 

I haven't yet decided if the potential health benefits of eating seafood outweigh the emotional toll it took on me. I have cried far more than I expected over this, but for now I feel like I need to go back to my vegetarianism for a while, at least until after my wedding when I have a bit more time to think about it.